Ok, guys. This has been an interesting week. My mission was to work on deciding to change my life (instead of just wanting to), and believing in a world of limitless possibilities.

I was on a roll, I was reading books on positive thinking (more about those later) and trying to meditate, and be more positive in my thoughts and actions, and then I totally had a melt down on Saturday. An ugly, negativity spiral, that resulted in me getting all hot and bothered, treating everyone around me like scum, and me generally hating life and not being very pleased with myself.

But you know what, whereas before I would have stewed on things and been self-righteous and self-pitying and definitely played the victim card, I was able to take a step back and look at things differently. This was key. While at the time there was nothing I could do to stop myself from spiralling out of control, after everything was over and I had removed myself from the situation, I was able to look back and see where maybe, I had been totally out-to-lunch. I had been thinking all these negative thoughts and they had become my reality because I had let them. I had let them. How crazy and powerful is that?

So you know what I did? I realized how I had behaved and that how I had treated other people was completely based on non-realities and so I apologized. And it felt amazing. They took it really well, understood, and we moved on. I also spent some time thinking about how I could avoid things spiralling out of control the next time that happened. Lucky for me, I got the chance to put some of my tactics into practice the next day!

Again I was thinking all these negative thoughts about myself, about what this other person thought of me, about everything they had that I didn’t and that life was totally unfair, and I could feel myself building up to a major melt-down. This time though, I took a step back and practiced what I had been working on. This is what I did: I asked myself if I was ok in that moment. Like actually ok, in the sense that all my basic needs were met, I wasn’t dying, nobody was torturing me or yelling at me, I wasn’t stressed out, etc. And you know what? I realized deep down I was ok, I was just fine. I was letting all these thoughts get the better of me and they were pulling me down into their deep dark negativity cave. Once I removed myself from the situation and allowed myself to check in with myself fully in the moment, I realized the irrelevance of these thoughts and was able to let them pass. It felt AMAZING. They didn’t disappear completely that’s for sure, but every time one bubbled to the surface I asked myself the question again: Are you ok? Plus, is this really what you want to be focusing on? And I just let the feeling pass, because those sort of feelings and thoughts are not wanted anymore.

Next step, Chapter 1. More to come on that soon!

One thought on “What we let ourselves do to ourselves.

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