The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Ok, so Chapter 1. For whatever reason, I have had a huge mental block or subconscious avoidance of writing this post. I just couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it. I think it’s because in my head, I thought that it would be hard, since what Jen asks us to do in Chapter 1 is to confront some of our limiting beliefs head on and really explore them. Sounds like fun, right?

“The first key to ridding yourself of limiting subconscious beliefs is to become aware of them. Because until you’re aware of what’s really going on, you’ll keep working with your conscious mind to solve a problem that’s buried far beneath it in your subconscious, which is an exercise in futility.”

The problem is, how do you differentiate between these two things (What’s going on in your conscious mind vs. what’s going on in your subconscious mind)? What if I’m not doing it right and I’m focusing on completely the wrong thing?

So here’s what I did: I took the things that I thought were less-desirable in my life from one of my earlier posts here, and I thought about what came to my mind when I thought about them.

  1. I am single and I’ve never really had any sort of long-term relationship.
  • I think I’m single because I’ve always felt less than. I’ve never had a relationship before and because of that, I think that I feel like I’ve missed out, and will never find someone who genuinely loves me. I compare myself to other people and wonder why someone would be with me when they could be with whomever else I may be with. I feel unworthy and awkward if a guy pays even the slightest attention to me. Why would they ever look at me?? This has also led me to question a lot of things about myself – am I a lesbian, am I asexual? I don’t think so, but I’ve never really explored those options either. I’ve pretty much created a gilded wall around myself to prevent myself from being hurt or rejected.

2. I have never had sex (the honest to goodness kind).

  • I’m not sure how this happened. It probably has something to do with points from my first less-than-impressive area, but also from a deep-rooted hatred of my body from when I was a teenager and young adult. I’m pretty sure I know every inch of my body and I wonder why anyone would ever find it attractive. I also think that maybe because it’s been so long, I will be unable of “performing” so to speak, or that I won’t know what to do, and I’ll end up looking like an idiot.

3. I used to have a job that provided me with almost six-figures worth of income each year, and I gave it up to start my own business. Now, I have less than $5000 to my name.

  • This probably has a whole lot to do with where I think I should be given that I’m in my thirtieth year of life on this earth. There are so many people around me who have stable jobs, houses, spouses, kids, and here I am, almost 30, with no savings, RRSP’s, tax-free savings accounts (what are those anyways?), etc. I’m not sure why I view this in such a negative light. I think it’s because I doubt myself. I doubt my decisions, and think that anything else would be better than this. Comparison can be a bitch.

4. Because of this rather dire financial situation I now live with my mother (which really isn’t doing anything for point number two, if you feel me).

  • Yeah. Then there’s this. Did I ever think in 10 million years that I would move back in with my mom. No. Am I particularly proud of it? No, and primarily because it’s another one of my shoulds. People who are 29 years old should not live with their mothers. They should be financially stable and be capable of taking care of themselves. Of course, if you’re going through some sort of life crisis and need to move back in with your parents temporarily for some stability that’s one thing, but for me, I don’t know when the end is. I have this business that I’m not sure is going to be successful, and if it’s not, at the end, I’ll have no money (and God-forbid maybe even some debt) and I’ll have to keep living here even longer. #fearoftheunkown #needsomefaith

5. I have been working a year full-time at my business and it hasn’t taken off yet.

  • My final point. I have been working at this business for a full year and it still hasn’t taken off. Have I completely wasted my time and money? Am I completely off my rocker for making such a rash decision? What about buying a house? Having kids? Even a puppy? How am I ever supposed to get to the adult part of my life? Enough said.

So the next step in Jen’s words is to,

“Practice stepping aside, notice what’s happening in the dysfunctional areas of your life and strengthen your almighty awareness muscle. Start waking up to the stories you’re working with in your subconscious.”

Ok. I think I’m consciously trying to make an effort to do this. I’ve been able to step aside and really analyze where some of my behaviours have been coming from and then change them (for the full write-up click here). But, like I said at the very beginning, how do I know if I’m even focusing on and exploring the right things, or if I’ve gone deep enough into my subconscious beliefs to begin to really battle my issues.

I’m sure that’s why there are a whole lot more chapters!